Ice cream does not drip that quickly

👎 out of ★★★★

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)

Runtime: 94 minutes 

MPAA: Rated PG for some violence.

Paul Blart gets his hands on the Segway.

To say that Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is terrible is a terrible understatement.

Let's quickly sum this up. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is painfully unfunny, has unlikeable characters, insulting slapstick, and it totally loses focus of what it's trying to be. It is ridiculed by consumerism (behold, the numerous shots of Wynn hotel) and also suffers from sequel overload. I acknowledged the flaws in Paul Blart: Mall Cop but found it sufficiently entertaining. Mall Cop 2 has totally lost momentum from its predecessor and encompasses the urge for the viewer to leave their seat. I almost decided to leave halfway through but decided to stay in, hence, enjoy my rant.

Set six years after the Black Friday save at New Jersey's West Orange Pavilion Mall, Paul Blart (Kevin James) is invited to attend the Security Officers Trade Association convention in Las Vegas. Along with his daughter, Maya (Raini Rodriguez), they check-in and rest for a short while. Paul becomes overprotective of his daughter, making college decisions for her and making sure she doesn't interact with the opposite gender. Despite these restraints, Maya eventually discovers and informs Paul that a group of professional robbers, led by Vincent Sofel (Neal McDonough, as usual), have meticulously planned out a conspiracy to steal a rare art collection from the hotel the Blarts are staying at. Meanwhile, Paul meets up with a bunch of security officers and decides to save the day.

I saw the overwhelmingly bad reviews coming. I had already expected it to be totally awful. I was right. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is straight up boring. Numerous scenes that stretch out for too long or are totally unrelated and unfocused towards the subject matter is a total pain to go through. I can name one for example: Blart hides himself in a luggage bag and brings himself down the stairs to the swimming pool. Later, he requests a place to air dry his body and gets chased again. He enters and disrupts a show, one only few would enjoy, and fights men with an electricity-induced fork. After all, what's the point? What's the focus?

The fight scenes are so atrocious that it's hilarious to see how truly horrible it is. We see security guards trapping themselves in their own clothes, people with their pants down rolling on the floor, protagonists tripping on cords and knocking down enemies and so many more goofy antics. Even kids at a playground fight more maturely than them. This has truly got to be the greatest and most anticipated fight scene, even after Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame.

Jokes aside, I will lift these words from my Paul Blart: Mall Cop review. "We have to appreciate how at least some effort was made to write the characters, so they don't feel like they just exist in the movie." In Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, I can't say that the characters even remotely exist. I can say that there would be no difference whether or not characters in Mall Cop 2 existed or not. The dialogue is poorly written, making characters feel one-dimensional, and attempts at heartfelt moments fail terribly. Although it is marketed as a slapstick comedy, were there any jokes? Were there any hilarious moments where characters do crazy antics? Kevin James flapping like a bird in the Le Reve Production isn't going to solve the problem.

There are so many things condensed into a single image sometimes, but they don't redeem the nature of the film. The plot feels immensely empty, as if you were travelling at one edge of a black hole, where you see matter being sucked in, miraculously survive the desolate, empty middle and make it out on the other side. Most scenes don't explain the plot and diverges so much from it you would have totally forgotten what it was about. I, for one, was wondering what the two-minute sequence of Kevin James fighting a wild bird was, and according to IMDb.com, he decided to get some fresh air before giving his speech. What great information. Not to forget, the speech was dreadful. It was just an utter waste of time to convey to us to save someone else.

After the credits rolled, I immediately left my seat and started feeling very dizzy. Afterwards, it was as if I had forgotten what most of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 was about. If you're into this kind of movies, I recommend you stick to the first one. Thanks to this film, I never want to visit the Wynn Hotel, even though it's rated 5 stars, because I will never forget the footprints of humans who shot this atrocity.